


A Painting called 'Hope'

by mollrach13



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Disability, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 08:21:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollrach13/pseuds/mollrach13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the kinkme_merlin prompt: "After Arthur's car accident, the couple had to deal with Arthur's disability. Merlin has been coping okay because he has loved Arthur since they were teenagers and as long as he lives he prefers 10 times a damaged!Arthur that no Arthur at all, and the blond is just unbelievable lucky that Merlin loves him that much to stick with him through all this. The rehabilitation is long and slow, and one of the thing that Arthur misses more than walking is making love to Merlin, but he never says it"</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Painting called 'Hope'

**Author's Note:**

> Full prompt at the end of the fic. Deals with aftermath of permanant paralysis.

“Hey” Merlin exclaimed as Arthur wheeled into the living room, already dressed for the party at Morgana’s later. “You’re up. I didn’t hear you. I would have come and helped.”

Arthur bit his tongue in an attempt to keep back the retort that he could dress himself, and settled for a bland smile. 

“I’d best get moving then, if you’re already ready.” Merlin slipped past Arthur in the hallway, giving Arthur’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze on the way past. Arthur watched Merlin’s retreating back down the hallway. Watched the tiny sway of his hips, the small pale slither of skin exposed from Merlin’s rucked up t-shirt, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled over his shoulder before disappearing into their bedroom. 

God he wanted… what he wanted was to get up out of this damned chair and walk with purpose down the hallway, open the bedroom door, he would delight in Merlin shocked gasp before he bent him over the edge of the bed and drive into him until Merlin begged for release. 

Arthur growled in frustration as he looked down at his broken body slumped in a wheel chair. Utterly useless in every way. He clenched his jaw to stop the frustrated shout and probably tears from escaping and wheeled himself through the modified kitchen archway, allowing space for his chair. He moved over to the fridge, opening it to retrieve the bottle of good wine Merlin had bought to take tonight. It was on the second shelf along with every other item of food in there. Arthur stared up at the two completely empty, wasted shelves above before huffing in frustration and slamming the door shut. 

*

“Great” Arthur groaned as he looked up and the ‘out of order’ sign on the lift door.

Merlin shuffled, uneasily “Arthur-“

“What Merlin!” Arthur snapped. And he knew he shouldn’t but, damn it, this was the first social event he had forced himself to in weeks. He was at his sister’s house, surrounded by good friends, and he tentatively hoped it would go smoothly. He carried on glaring at the obnoxious sign.

Merlin placed a hand on his shoulder, that Arthur immediately shrugged off, ignoring the flash of hurt that crossed Merlin’s face. “We don’t have to stay, we could go.”

And Arthur really wanted to, he wanted to go home and watch TV and forget that he couldn’t use his legs anymore and that his boyfriend had to help him get dressed sometimes. But he hadn’t been out in a few weeks… and, maybe more importantly, neither had Merlin. And as much as Arthur told Merlin he would be fine if Merlin went down to the pub with Will for half hour he knew Merlin wouldn’t go anywhere without him, not yet anyway.

“No” he groaned. ”Morgana would kill me. Go on.” He said gesturing to the staircase. “Best go get Leon.” He could feel the traitorous blush starting to creep up his cheeks at the mental image of Leon, his best mate from Uni, carrying him bridal style up the stairs. It made him feel sick.

“I could try –“ Merlin started.

“No Merlin, don’t be an idiot. You would break your back after the first three steps. And then where would we be.”

There was a slight pause and Arthur felt that ever present nag of guilt in the back of his mind flare. 

“Ok. I’ll be right back.” Merlin disappeared up the stairs quickly without looking back and Arthur stared at the ostentatious sign on the lift doors. He absently thought that the universe was out to get him, it had already broken his body, now it wanted to steal his pride to. 

*

The party turned out to be not so bad. None of his friends were all that awkward around him anymore and being at Morgana’s house meant that mostly everyone was sitting down. The first social event that he was forced to go to after the accident had been a charity gala for work. Everyone was standing around and sipping cocktails and Arthur had felt like a child again, tugging on his father’s trousers trying to get attention.

And it was good to see Merlin like this. Laughing and care free. Arthur wasn’t such an ignorant fool that he couldn’t see these last month’s hadn’t just been hard on him.

Merlin had lost a shocking amount of weight after Arthur had been first released from hospital, until a furious Morgana and Gwen stormed the house and force fed him an entire meal. Their twin glares were enough to make sure Merlin ate well from then on.

Looking around the room he couldn’t seem to see his wayward boyfriend. Arthur wheeled himself down the corridor towards the kitchen stopping just outside when he heard Merlin’s voice from inside.

*

“Did Morgana say diet or full fat coke?” Merlin mused, pouring a very generous portion of vodka into the plastic cup.

“The amount of wine she’s had I don’t think she would notice.” Gwaine responded leaning loosely against the kitchen counter. 

“Full fat it is then.” Merlin topped up the cup with some flat coke and moved on to make his own.

“So…” Gwaine said after moments silence, “You’re looking better.”

Merlin’s eyes flicked to him and Gwaine pulled his most innocent face. After a moments contemplation Merlin spoke slowly. “Things have been… getting better, easier.”

“That’s good then I suppose.” Gwaine responded folding his arms over his chest. “You know, my offer still stands.”

“Don’t Gwaine” Merlin bit out, accidently spilling some of the pineapple from his Malibu and pineapple into the counter. 

“You can’t live like this forever Merlin.” Gwaine sighed, stepping foreward, “You’re not a monk. You shouldn’t have to live like one.”

“I said stop it Gwaine!”

Gwaine raised his hands in surrender before settling back against the counter. But Merlin should have known well enough that Gwaine wouldn’t let it drop that easily.

“How’s the painting going?” He asked with feigned nonchalance

Merlin ground his teeth together, steadfastly concentration on the correct Malibu to pineapple ratio. “I’ve been busy recently”

“Oh, so you haven’t been working on anything in your spare time?”

“No, like I said I haven’t had the time. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal huh?” Gwaine mused, pushing away from the counter, “What happened to ‘painting makes me feel alive, I can connect to the world through the canvass. If I couldn’t paint I don’t know what I’d do. Go insane probably.’” 

“My perspective has changed.”

Merlin could feel Gwaine watching him as he put the drinks away in the fridge. “You can’t just live for Arthur, Merlin. You need something for your own”

“I have Arthur. That’s enough”

“Is it though?” Gwaine asked coming close enough for Merlin to feel the heat of his body through his shirt. Gwaine breathed a hot breath over Merlin’s ear. Merlin had to bite his lip to hold back a whimper. “Call me when you want to feel alive again.” 

Then Gwaine left. Merlin stood in the kitchen for a long time trying to regain his breathing.

*

Arthur sat on the edge of their bed and allowed Merlin to remove his shoes. If he could move his legs he would have kicked Merlin in the shin and told him to get off his bloody knees he could take off his own damn shoes! 

But he couldn’t, so he didn’t.

He sat and let Merlin lift each of his useless feet, one after the other.

Arthur unbuttoned his own shirt in the automatic night time ritual they had become accustomed to. 

“When did you stop painting?” his mouth blurted out before he could stop himself.

Merlin turned sharply from where he was stowing Arthur shoes away. “What?”

“Gwaine said you hadn’t been painting… When did you stop?”

Merlin stared at him and Arthur watched until realisation spread over Merlin face like horror.

“Arthur-“ Merlin took a halting step towards him.

“Should have taken him up on his offer.” Arthur mumbled removing his shirt and tossing it towards the laundry hamper. It missed landing a few feet shy of its target. Arthur wanted to stamp his feet like a petulant five year old in frustration... He couldn’t do that either. 

“No.” Merlin said wretchedly, breaking his frozen stance kneel before Arthur. “No Arthur, I would never do that to you.” 

“Well you are going to have to at some point.” Arthur stated in a cold voice as he started to work his trousers off. “It’s not like I’ll be much use.” Arthur lifted his hips and pulled off his boxers and trousers in one with a little shimmy that he had perfected. His flaccid penis sat like painful evidence against his thigh.

“Stop it Arthur. Here let me help.” Merlin grabbed Arthur pyjama bottoms and went to slip one of Arthur’s feet into them. 

It was just too much for Arthur.

“Don’t touch me!” Arthur snarled. Pushing back as far as he could on the bed.

“Arthur please-“

“I said don’t touch me.” Arthur flailed again, batting Merlin’s hands away. Suddenly the ground was rushing up to meet him and he found himself face down into the red carpet of their bedroom floor.   
Arthur had laid this carpet himself. That had been in another lifetime.

“Oh God Arthur! Are you OK.” Arthur felt Merlin’s frantic hands on his shoulders trying to get him up right.

“Stop.” Arthur mumbled easing his torso to sitting and twisting his naked body to sit. Merlin hands didn’t stop though. “I said stop it!” He roared. 

Merlin startled back at the volume. His eye going wide with shock, and a little fear.

“What do you want from me Merlin!” Arthur continued roaring. His hands flailing around as if to make up for all the movement his body should be making. “This is it – this is me forever.. . you want to stay with a cripple?! With these bloody useless legs and this!” Arthur gestured down at his limp penis. “Might as well cut it off for all the use this is.” 

“Please Arthur stop-“ Merlin tried to interrupt, but Arthur continued.

“Just run off to Gwaine. I’m sure is would be more than happy to give you one. I can see your gagging for it Merlin don’t deny it. You slut.” Arthur spat viciously. Hurt flashed in Merlin’s eyes but Arthur didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. “I don’t have to deal with this you know. I have more than enough shit to be coping with right now without you on top of this.” 

“Arthur please I love you. I don’t understand-“

“Understand – what you need to understand is I am not your Arthur anymore! That man died in that accident. All that’s left is a broken shell. Disfigured, disabled, impotent.-“

“Arthur stop.”

“-good for nothing, waste of space.”

“Arthur stop, stop, please stop.” Merlin crawled to Arthur and pinned his flailing arms to his sides. “Please” he whispered brokenly. “Please stop.” a sob caught in Merlin’s throat and Arthur stopped his rage. “Please.” Merlin whispered again into Arthur’s shoulder as his body slumped and began to sob in earnest.

Arthur couldn’t think, or speak. He lifted his hands up automatically; cradling Merlin’s shaking form against his chest. At Arthur’s strong embrace the tears just came harder. He could just make out a string of uttered words ‘please’ and ‘Arthur’ and ‘stop’.

“Merlin” Arthur whispered, his anger had all but disappeared leaving just resigned tiredness in its wake.

“I’m sorry, Arthur I am.” Merlin sobbed into Arthur neck. Arthur froze for a moment, because what the hell would be Merlin apologising for. “I’ll try to be better, I will. I’m trying so hard to make things ok for you.”

“Merlin” Arthur sighed again. “You haven’t done anything wrong. We just need to face up to reality here.”

Merlin suddenly pulled away from Arthur embrace. “No Arthur” he said fiercely. His blotched red eyes determined

“Merlin-“

“No Arthur. I don’t care. I can’t live in a world where you’re not there, don’t you get it. I was so scared when I got the call from the hospital and then sat in that waiting room… I didn’t even realise about your back at first. The only thing I heard was the doctor say ‘he’s alive’ and nothing else mattered. And it doesn’t Arthur!”

“Merlin, this isn’t fair on you.”

“Fair?” Merlin scoffed, “Nothing is fair Arthur. Fair would be you being able to walk. Fair would be me watching you play football in the rain every Sunday morning... It’s not fair but it’s what we’ve got. We’ve got me and we’ve got you. That’s all we need isn't it?”

Those last words were half question, half plea. Arthur opened his mouth but Merlin interrupted seeing the scepticism still in his eyes.

“Look I’m not saying that it will be easy. You’ll get frustrated and I’ll get sad… but please – can’t we just try.”

Arthur couldn’t think of anything to say to that. There wasn’t anything to say to that. He leant forward and nuzzled at Merlin’s neck, like he had done a million times before. “Ok” he whispered into the skin. “Ok” he said again, against Merlin lips.

Merlin latched onto them hungrily and Arthur had to bring a hand up to the back of Merlin’s neck to steady them. He got lost in the feeling. Merlin’s stubbled chin brushing against his own. Merlin’s hands twining in Arthurs hair. The warm breezes of Merlin’s breath against his lips.

Then suddenly there was nothing there in front of him and Arthur blinked his eyes open quickly, swaying forward. Merlin placed a hand on Arthur’s chest.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry” muttered Merlin his eyes closed and his chest heaving heavily.

“Merlin – what...” but Arthur eyesight was drawn down to the large tent in Merlin’s pyjamas bottom’s. “Hey Merlin.” He forced a chuckle, tipping Merlin’s chin back up to face him, “that’s ok. I may be crippled but I am still irresistible.”

Merlin choked out a pained laugh and took a deep breath steadying seeming to try and pull himself together.

But Arthur couldn’t take his eyes off Merlin’s crotch, where it strained tight against the thinning cotton, a small patch of wetness already seeping through. Almost in a trance he lifted his hand and gave it a slight stroke through the material. Merlin jerked wildly, his eyes flying open and locking with Arthur’s.

Arthur hadn’t touched Merlin like this since before the accident. Merlin hadn’t initiated anything and Arthur hadn’t wanted to, it being a too painful reminder of all he had lost. But now… he looked into Merlin’s wide opened eyes, his pupils blown so wide only a small ring of that gorgeous blue was visible. 

Keeping his eyes locked with Merlin’s he undid the buttons of Merlin’s fly and let the trousers fall open. Merlin’s dick was strained and red and weeping at the slit. And all they had done was some very tame kissing.

Arthur frowned in concern from Merlin’s member to his face, which was flushed red with more than just arousal. 

“Merlin…” he started, not sure how to pose the question, “why… don’t you…?” Arthur trailed off but his implication was very clear. If possible Merlin became redder.

“No – I try not to. I don’t like it… it feels- it feels like cheating on you.” Merlin mumbled staring down at the floor.

Something hot and tight clenched in Arthur’s chest as he watched this beautiful creature in front of him. Unswervingly loyal, utterly daft Merlin, who was his, and who he loved, and who he was lucky enough loved him back.

Arthur watched the lights play off Merlin’s cheekbones and dark lashes creating a picture that was shockingly stunning. He wished he could take a picture so he could show Merlin what the world saw when they looked at him. Merlin: who never noticed all the hungry eyes that followed him whenever they had gone out to clubs but held on to every single crack ever made about his ears.

Arthur raised a hand and stroked his thumb across Merlin’s cheekbone. Merlin’s eyelids fluttered against his pale cheeks and leant into the touch. And Arthur knew how to be this. He didn’t know how to be a cripple, he didn’t know how to talk about the accident, he didn’t know how to believe in a better future, but he knew how to love Merlin.

“Come ‘ere.” Arthur whispered hoarsely and he pulled Merlin to straddle his lap. Merlin’s erect penis standing proud between them. 

“I love you, you know that?” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s ear. Reaching out a large hand and engulfing Merlin’s length in it. Merlin cried out at that first touch and buried his head in Arthurs neck, panting against the skin there.

“That’s it sweetheart.” Arthur cooed as Merlin started to kiss and lick at his neck. “So beautiful, so beautiful”. He muttered, capturing Merlin’s lips in a hungry kiss. 

“Arthur” he moaned as Arthur’s hand sped up. He nuzzled into Arthurs ear and bit down on one earlobe coming in long hot spurts all over both of their stomachs. 

Merlin just slumped, breathing heavily into the crook of Arthur’s neck, a suspicious wetness, that was not just sweat, leaked over Arthur shoulders. He just held the man, stroking the expanse of pale skin on Merlin’s back and sides, pattering kisses over his neck and jaw, whispering praises and promises into that skin.

Even once Merlin’s breaths had evened out, they stayed like that for a while.

Merlin went to his study the next day and fished out a blank canvas. The painting was full of colour and screamed of life and renewal. Arthur watched as Merlin frowned at the piece, dotting paint here and there, in his own small world, and smiled. 

Merlin never sold that painting, even after a lot of not so gentle persuasion from Freya, the owner of the gallery. It still hangs above their bed. Merlin called it ‘Hope’.

**Author's Note:**

> Full Prompt: • After Arthur's car accident, the couple had to deal with Arthur's disability. Merlin has been coping okay because he has loved Arthur since they were teenagers and as long as he lives he prefers 10 times a damaged!Arthur that no Arthur at all, and the blond is just unbelievable lucky that Merlin loves him that much to stick with him through all this. The rehabilitation is long and slow, and one of the thing that Arthur misses more than walking is making love to Merlin, but he never says it, fearing that Merlin will likely decide that he needs it and would go looking for it So, when one day Gwaine takes Merlin aside and tells him that if he needs to "feel alive" again he can come to him any time in a half serious-half mocking tone and Arthur overhears it, the delicate balance of the couple's good mood suddenly drops. Merlin that has noticed nothing and had just brushed Gwaine off, doesn't realize that they've finally hit the nerve of their after-the-accident-barely-solid relationship...


End file.
